Currently Listening Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) For Good see related

So my dad sent me this forward, wished I could claim credit but alas, I am not that funny.

 

Hurricane Season



To: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, and future Floridians or those who know a Floridian.

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of th is, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that  when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Currently Listening Very Best of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons By Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons Walk like a man see related

I must say I am almost tempted to quit my journal b/c it pales in comparison to my good friend Kent's journal that literally makes me cry ever time I read it . For those who do not know Kent he is my best friend/roommate's fiance. He by far one of the funniest people I know and just for you I will give you a sample , but this is a one time offer if you choose to hear more from my funny friend I will have to charge you the regular fee. (and don't think I'm kidding, I'm not working people!! NO WORK = NO MONEY)so here you are and enjoy. 

Journal entrys that made me wonder about my own bladder control

by Kent Audia (edited by Anne Marie Stephens)

1. Casey, Anne Marie, Kristen, and I decided that the Hilltop Cafe Barf was not what we wanted one night so we decided to go to Chili's. We get there and the place is packed. We put our name in and start the dreaded wait. As we are standing there, I notice an abnormally large amount of small kids crowded around the establishment. I even thought I saw a few tossing back shots at the bar but just figured Lawson and some of his buddies (very short baseball players) were out having a good time and paid it no mind for there were more pressing matters at hand. I'm in the middle of talking to the woman and notice a couple of kids looking up at me. Anne Marie starts to say hey but they keep staring at me in awe. Was it my easy-goingness that made them stare? My laugh that had them intoxicated for more? Apparently not. As I started to bend over to say hey, the elder of two young girls who looks to be about 6 chirps, "She thinks you look like a girl!" Dangit. Is it really that blatant?

2. The other day, I was running late because I had gone to eat and the 15 year olds at Chick-Fil-A can't get anything right with anyone's order. I had a class and I was already 10 minutes late so I needed to run up the stairs to my room. No problem, right? I'm an athletic and coordinated person with pretty good running ability. This should be a piece of cake. My first mistake was that I was wearing some black flip-flops that are as stiff as sliced bread. (Not very stiff at all, Cliff.) My second mistake was thinking I could jump 6 steps instead of the usual 5 I can do with ease. While I was in mid-air, my first thought was if the Falcons can win with a very weak defense. My next thought was "Oh my, I'm not quite high enough to make this last step!" The sandal caught the edge of the step and curled under my foot like those snap bands everyone had back in elementary school. My foot, having no other choice but to go forward, tried it's best to stop on the stair only to slam into the step with a force worthy of a medal. The girlish yelp that escaped my lips was no act. I was scared. It wasn't finished yet, either. As my foot became toeless against the blunt step, I was forced down onto the steps, shins first. Another girlish yelp. Still not done. My face while watching this whole event unravel below, cackled and yelped as if there was no way that it would be hit at all. My face was wrong. All of the force used to take my body down was enough to bring my face down. My chin to be exact. It hit the top step with a teeth-clatter that could be heard throughout Northwest Georgia. Another girlish yelp. As I sit stunned by my lack of any coordination, I can't help but think I need not tell this to anyone. You should feel priviledged. Give me a slushie.

3. I was reading some away messages on AOL Instant Messenger today and one of them said, "A jump kick, a leg sweep, and a roundhouse kick all in a row is not a good combination. I found this out when I hit the wall with my third kick."

4. This summer was rough. However, it did not hold a candle to the crap I went through today. A nail-like shard punctured my back left tire and left it flatter than week-old pop. Heh, pop. Anyway, I went to Wal-Mart to get it fixed and the guy says it'll be about 45 minutes. After 2 hours of lookin' at bathroom accessories like those shaggy bathroom rugs, I'm finally paged to come pick up my tire. I tell the lady very nicely that that was the fastest I've ever gotten a tire fixed. She thanks me and gives me a smile and a receipt for a tire costing $53. I'm spittin' mad. I leave the place a little less than sane but OK enough to drive. I fix the tire back onto my car and I'm heading back to school with the wind a blowin' through my locks. (If that doesn't get me beat up by a lineman, I don't know what will) I'm rolling over a speed bump as I turn into school when all of a sudden, my car sounds like it just turned into a Harley Davidson or a Pod Racer from Star Wars I. It's loud and sounds like it's about to blow. I pull over, pop the hood, and realize that a spark plug has completely dislodged itself from it's hole. This results in several "Christian"-rated insults towards the day. After thirty solid minutes of shouting outside the Winthrop-King Center, I gather myself for the journey to Auto Zone in my "limping" car. $20 later, I have some long skinny ratchet that I will only use for spark plugs maybe once or twice more in my lifetime. A purchase I was not willing to make but still had to. The day was looking up. I finally get back to school. I walk into my room and realize that fifty fans are blowing along the floor. We're finally converting wind into energy here at Shorter? Nope. Someone stopped up their toilet and it busted a pipe. Thus, flooding our hall with wretchedly clean water. "Clee" stepped all in it when he woke up this morning. That was a bright spot. Parks' computer got flooded but it still works. Our carpet is soaked. Some cleaning idiot used my $60 table tennis paddle as a freakin' door stop. I want to smash some melons for that one alone. Needless to say, I had a hotdog to calm myself tonight. The first of several in the coming weeks.

5. I'm beginning to think that slipping on a slick surface and cracking your tail bone has got to be one of the funniest painful injuries that could ever happen. Think about it, there's someone in your life that if you saw this happen to them, you would basically pee your pants from so much laughter. You know who it is. Maybe it's a cocky, popular athlete or maybe it's the clumsy but nice guy that everyone loves. Either way, there's that someone you just know this would happen to. Mine is a girl who used to go to elementary school with me. Her name was Amy. She had it all, the looks, popularity, and the Five Star trapper-keepers. I could see her slipping with arms flailing as if she could fly as she slams down right on her A. She lands so hard that she actually bounces a small bit. A week later, she's still carrying around that butt donut from class to class. It's not necessarily that I didn't like this girl, it's just that she was just perfectly made for this sort of accident. God does have a sense of humor, ladies and gentlemen. Whammy.

6. ...It took me almost 3 hours to write this beast. What on Earth has possessed me? You guessed it. The thought of me having to sleep in the same room as "Clee". He wakes up around 4 AM with millions of trees that are needing to be cut down with his chainsaw of a snore. He figures, why not get an early start and starts buzzing away. This goes on till about noon. The sheep I'm counting realize they're getting closer and closer to a guy snoring so loud that they actually stop and ask me why I didn't stop him from cutting down this forest which is home to so many of their friends. I'm a coward, what can I say? I'll be loading the logging truck for a good while.

7. It snowed two days ago. The snow was a bit odd-looking though. It was very very fine and flakey. I looked at it and instantly I knew exactly what it was. It wasn't snow at all. It was Jesus' Dandruff. (Dandruff is capitalized because it's Jesus'. My dandruff is not but His is because c'mon, let's face it. He is Almighty.) Three words for You, Jesus: Head & Shoulders.

8. I went roller-skating tonight with the sorority I'm a sweetheart in. (Enter witty cutdown here. The only time it'll ever be this easy.) First off, it was way out in the boonies. Second, when I stepped inside, it was elementary school skate night all over again. You had the "cool" 12 year olds flying around there as fast as they could and as close as they could just to show off. I so hoped one of my razor-sharp elbows would catch one of those kids in the nose or neck. They were ticking me off a bit. Outside of those little punks, I was having fun. Until, that is, I saw a man that looked like a skeleton with ratty overalls and a balding mullet skate by with his little munchkins. He was laughing then all of a sudden, he looked at me and said, "Pickled Cauliflower." I skated out of that place so fast and didn't look back. I got back to my room on campus and called my girlfriend to see if she'd bring my shoes back. She answered and said yes but she had to finish feeding Elroy his cotton candy in chunks so that his three teeth could handle such hard food. I said fine but I wasn't fine with it. I wanted some cotton candy too.

Ok so I am looking over this and I hope you find it as funny as I do, I mean the guy is no Dane Cook but hey who is? Anyway I hope you enjoyed.